Hurt

I admit. The truth hurts. My partner came home yesterday, and admitted that his business meeting took place at a strip club.
Immediately this hurt me. He told me other women were rubbing up against him and shit.
I felt heart broken. I felt like I’m not good enough if he’s got to go to a strip club.
But the truth is, it wasn’t his idea, it was his bosses. Apparently he can’t say no to his boss. That bothers me. If he knew it was wrong, why did he even enter the club and drink? Yes, he has me, and his daughter waiting at home. But his boss also has a wife and family waiting at home.
I was thinking that this was it. This is the road my miserable life is taking. I’m at home with our baby, while my partner is out drinking or at strip clubs.
But, at least he told me the truth. Even if it did hurt. I doubt his bosses wife gets even that.
Out of rage and anger, I posted a public status and tagged them both in it. Asking what kind of fuckin job requires a “business meeting” at a strip club.
I realize that my man could have lost his job for my actions. But at the time, I was angry at both of them. Now, mostly at his boss just for arranging to have the meeting there. Ya know? A part of me hopes his bosses wife seen the status, because she too has the right to know.
Yeah, I guess you can say I’m not too fond of his boss at the moment. He over stepped a boundary that could have obliterated this family.
Not only that, but he also gives my man some shitty advice. Telling him he should drink more. It’s like he’s deliberately trying to fuck with my man’s life and family. So yeah, he over stepped a boundary and here I am. I’m not too happy.
Even though I had time to think shit through, it doesn’t mean all our problems go away. Matter of fact, it just brought up more. Which is pretty fucked up considering…Ya know? I was pissed that my man even stepped foot into the strip club, yet he somehow manages to turn it around and make it about himself. Ya know? He’s upset that I sleep on the couch, it makes him feel undesirable.
Ahem, the reason I sleep on the couch is for our daughter’s sake. When I was pregnant, the bedroom would get too hot. But now, it’s more for our baby’s needs. Okay?? I tried to get her to sleep in the bassinet in our room, so that eventually I’ll be able to sleep in our bed. But that didn’t work.Heck, one morning she woke him up. Sort of. I think he slept walked. He brought her to the livingroom, and went back to bed. Since he went back to bed, he was late for work. So now I put her in her crib in her room, and I sleep on the couch. That way if she does wake up during the night or really early in the morning, I’m there. Without interfering my man’s sleep. So that only it’s his alarm clocks that wake him.
As for sex. He’s already talking about wanting another baby. He wants a son. Well sorry your daughter isn’t a boy!! Geez. Also, for someone that claims he doesn’t need sex all the time, he sure fuckin whines about it a lot. I’m sorry, but after having a child, my mojo tends to go m.i.a. Especially if I am the parent spending the most time with our baby. Maybe a father that played with his daughter, or whatever, maybe that would turn me on. But that hardly happens. So yeah. I’ve come to terms with that. Sorry my mind is more focused on taking care of our baby 24/7, and isn’t focused on your penis!!
And maybe if all this shit didn’t keep coming up, such as over drinking, strip clubs, etc. Maybe my mojo would be more lively. But it just seems like I’m more upset and sad more than anything.
And maybe that’s because he’s trying to change me, and I’m trying to change him. Maybe we aren’t compatible. That’s what it comes down to. But since he says we’re stuck together, I guess we’re stuck together. Both fuckin depressed.
He’ll probably ask how is he trying to change me. This blog for instance. He wants me to stop. Shows me these quotes that say a relationship should be between two people, not the world. Well if that’s what he wants, then why did he get involved with an introverted blogger in the first place??
Writing is therapeutic for me. It allows me to reflect and analyze the shit in my life, including my own thoughts. Art is another form I use, but writing is much easier and accessible lately.
So, take that away…what happens? All my thoughts and feelings are bottled up with no outlet. It could only result in me snapping at some point, which would be no good. It would be ugly.
Can you imagine if I kept all this shit inside? I would be holding onto alot of shit that would just eat away at me.
So yeah, sorry for expressing and sharing every inch of my life. As a writer and artist, that’s just what I do. I observe and document my surroundings, and experiences. Why? I don’t know. I just do.
Anyways, other than all that. The small apartment we were trying to get for July 1st had been leased to someone else. But since our application has been approved, we got offered a townhouse unit instead. Still close to the downtown area.
I’m still debating wither to move in or not, considering it just seems like one thing after another lately. And not in a good way either.
The question is to either keep trying, or not. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve had enough..
Thanks for reading. If you can, please donate. Keep me doing what I love. Peace and love – Pooks

“Life is ten percent what you experience and ninety percent how you respond to it.”
– Dorothy M. Neddermeyer

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