Stay Strong and Focus

Just got some upsetting news. I cried , and am still trying to understand it all. 

On the phone with a C.A.S worker, she told me that my son was going to be moved from Chatham to Madame Vanier on Thursday. Yes, the plan was to get him into Vanier anyways, but things took a more serious urgent turn. She told me that my son had been talking about suicide, and there he can receive the professional help he needs. 

I really do hope they can help. No one else seems to be able to get through to him. No one besides his father, but now I’m thinking he’s the last person our son should have any contact with. 

I mean, my ex has been teaching him to fear everything, to trust no one but him. 

So yeah, he’s done enough psychological damage. 

It upsets me that my son won’t come to the visits. I wish I knew why. But then again, the answer is probably directed at my ex again. I mean my son and my partner used to get along, at least until after a visit, he returned home…and the next visit his attitude was completely different. His father yelled at him saying that my partner is not his father. 

It doesn’t help that my ex has been telling our children that step father’s are pedophiles. 

Nor does my exes idea of an education for our son. He had him watching Info Wars. Which is just a bunch of negative fear mongering conspiracy theorist news. 

No child deserves to be brought up to be scared shitless of the world. They should be curious, and wanting to explore it. But yeah, my ex just wants to pass on his cowardly ways. 

No I’m not too happy with my ex. As I believe he is highly responsible for my son wanting to commit suicide. 

Maybe I am too. But I don’t see how I could be. 

I wish I could find out what my son has against my man and I. My partner is not a bad person. 

If he’s still upset about our relationship, between my man and I. You’d think he’d get over it after awhile and just be happy that someone makes his mom happy. 

According to my ex, he’s saying that our son is telling C.A.S that my partner gets drunk and beats me. Which isn’t true. My man had never laid a hand on me in any violent way. He even refuses to raise his voice with me. 

Yeah we bicker here and there about alcohol. But he hasn’t gone past his limit for a while. So I wouldn’t worry about that. Mama’s still here keeping my home a safe haven.

I find it funny that my ex would even say that our son is claiming my man to be a woman beater, when in fact, that’s what my ex is. Our son clearly still remembers a man grabbing me by the throat. But maybe he’s in denial that it was his father, so he’d rather say it was my man. “The big evil step-dad”. Yet, all my man has been doing is trying to help my son. Smh. 

I don’t know. For some reason my son just wants to hate my partner. And by not coming to the visits, he’s risking of getting himself stuck in foster care. Which would be a crappy way to learn about consequences, considering he still has a parent right here that is more than willing to let him in. I’ve been waiting a long time for my children to come back home. 

I can’t really envision my ex getting the children back at this rate. If it were up to me, he wouldn’t be allowed around them. He’s done enough damage. So why C.A.S allows it, is beyond me. Especially if my exes mental health is in question. 

Anyways, that’s a lot to take in. But I will stay strong, and focus on getting a new place. We’ve narrowed our search down to 2 places. One is a 4 bedroom, the other is a 3 bedroom. Both are available for August 1st. Anyways, we will apply for the 4 bedroom place, and if that falls through, at least we know we’re pretty much accepted for the 3 bedroom place. 

Today I got to go to the library and print out the application. My man is going to get his father to co-sign on the application. That way we have a better chance of getting either place. So yeah, that’s cool that he’ll help us out in that way. 

Anyways, if my son goes to Vanier on Thursday…I imagine being separated from her brother will be tough on my  daughter. So yeah, just keep trying to keep the weekend visits as fun and distracting as possible through these tough times. 

It’s starting to look like we won’t be bringing both kids home after all this court stuff is said and done. But there’s still hope for one. 

CAS will keep me in the know with whatever happens at Vanier. So yeah, let’s hope they can help my son. 

It is heart breaking for a mother to hear that her child is suicidal. 

I could start blaming myself, and do the whole self loathing thing. But I know there is much more to the picture than that. 

Anyways, got to get my baby and I ready to go to the library. Thanks for reading. Peace and love – Pooks

“True strength is keeping everything together when everyone expects you to fall apart.” 
– unknown


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