Reaching my Limit

Seriously contemplating about leaving my partner. Just picking up our daughter and leaving. I feel like I’ve given him enough warnings when it comes to alcohol.

It just keeps happening. It’s really the only thing we fight about. If he didn’t drink, we probably wouldn’t fight at all. But yeah…Last night, it feels like it’s my final straw.

So yesterday evening my partner went to go put the deposit down on the place we were to be moving to, and he had to go decline an offer to side job. Since the person that offered the side job didn’t speak English very well, apparently explaining why he can’t take the job took forever and it was oh so frustrating. So afterwards, he went to go visit his boss ( whom is a shitty influence if ask me) to vent and have a few beers. Normally his limit is 2. Supposedly his boss pressured him to drink past his limit. Yet I believe he had a choice. Just like it was his choice to make drinking with his boss a priority, over coming home to be with his daughter and “wife” that he supposedly loves.

However, if he loves me so much, why the hell would he come home fully knowing I got a problem with his drinking? He deliberately disrespected my values and rules to keep my home a safe haven for my children. So yeah, he can say that dumping a can of beer over his head is disrespectful, but repeating the same “mistake” over and over and saying sorry each time…that’s not sorry. That’s disrespectful. He doesn’t care what I think or feel about his drinking.

What pisses me off even more, is that I stuck up for him to C.A.S, since my son and ex are accusing him of being an alcoholic. It’s a pretty dumb move to go out and drink when someone is reporting to C.A.S that you’re a drunk. Yeah, especially since he’s pretty much proving thier accusation right. And because of that, it’s making me out to be a liar once again to C.A.S. I hate that!! That’s how I lost my kids the last time, asshole!! No man is worth lying for, especially when the price is your children.

If I do leave, that could prolong getting my eldest children back. It would mean that my baby and I would have to stay in a shelter for a month or more, depending how long it would take us to get into London Housing. I would basically be starting from scratch. Leaving my belongings behind.

I could give him another chance, but then again how many chances have I given him already?? It’s just the same shit over and over. And if he really cared about my values and what I think, then he’d be by my side when it comes to keeping our home a safe haven. Not coming home drunk becoming a potential risk to the rest of us.

Ya know? He says not to compare him to my ex. I haven’t for awhile. Matter of fact I didn’t this time around. But if he really wants a comparison, my ex was getting drunk and high elsewhere. What got me angry was that he’d rather be out partying than be there with his family. But in that light, my partner is worse. He drinks, gets drunk and comes back to a family home. Or he’s at home drinking with children present. How is that better for the kids??  So yeah, there’s your bloody comparison!!

As for giving my partner yet another chance. I would feel fuckin stupid for doing so. Especially after his rude, sarcastic apology last night. He’s not sorry. He doesn’t give a fuck. If he cared at all, we wouldn’t be fighting about this over and over. Ya know? A mistake repeated more than once is not a mistake anymore, it’s a choice.

And he’s always saying that I should stop thinking so much. What is wrong with a woman that thinks for herself?? That blogs, analyzes it all, and shares it. I have gifts, and one includes writing. In order to write, you kinda need to write your thoughts. So yeah, if anyone has a problem with you THINKING, it’s probably because that ability is scary to them and they see it as a threat.

Ya know? I should be with someone that encourages my gifts. To push me to be even a greater artist and writer. I shouldn’t be with someone that sees it as a negative and wants me to stop it all completely.

So yeah, that’s another thing that has me thinking. Maybe I’m in a relationship that isn’t as healthy as I had assumed.

And maybe, my son can see that. Maybe he’s right.

I will give my partner one last chance to straighten his act. Otherwise, me and his daughter are gone. That’s final. I’ve made this warning public.  We deserve better. I’ve gone through too much bullshit to put up with anything less.

My expectations may be high, and if he can’t live up to them, maybe he’s not the one. Just saying.

When I say I want my home to be a safe haven, I mean I want my home to be a safe haven.

So yeah, I’ll stick around this loveless relationship and see if anything changes. I must admit, I’m preparing to leave because I doubt he will change. He’s always got an excuse to drink.

He so much as walks through the front door having drunk past his limit again, we are gone. Good bye to the family he supposedly wanted, but sure as hell doesn’t act like it.

He’s got 4 hours every evening to spend time with his daughter. He’d rather drink or play video games on his cell phone. So yeah, I’m the one caring for our baby 24/7, we can manage without him if we have to. Just saying. I am capable.

Anyways, not the most up beat of blogs. But thanks for taking the time to read. Until next time, peace and love! – Pooks

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