But in Reality…

Hi again, 

Even though I  am super stressed out, I do my best not to show my kids what I’m really feeling. I smile, I laugh. I play like everything is okay.  But in reality, I  just want to break down and cry. But so far, I’m keeping it together, and trying to handle all this shit the best I can without them having to worry. 

However, I  am very honest with my children, and my eldest daughter is scared of losing me. She says I’m her world, and if I go to jail…she doesn’t want to go to foster care.  Especially not after I just got her back. 

The officer I talked to the other night when I was arrested doesn’t think it will come down to that, but the charge is being followed through. So I will definitely be going to court, and I might even be doing some community service.  

Hopefully that is all…my children need thier mother. Fuck! I mean for my 2 eldest children, they were apprehended from thier father due to concerns of his mental heath. As for my baby daughter, her father is an alcoholic in denial that couldn’t even take 5 minutes out of his day to spend time with her. 

But whatever, I don’t want to keep ranting about that goof.

Even though I should mention how creepy he’s been behaving by contacting my family and friends on social media, and getting his drinking buddy’s wife to try to troll me on Twitter. Nice try. I advised my family and friends to not speak of any of my business to Derek, and if they are solid, and care for the safety of my daughters and I, they will respect my request. But yeah, enough about him. Not only is he a creep, but as a blood relative put it, “he sounds petty and evil. Stay away from him.”

Speaking of social media, I  had to block really good friends of mine because they had my ex partner on his Facebook.  I also had to block a foster brother, and an Aunt due to the same reason. But whatever, my Aunt and brother were all impressed with my ex partners job title and income. Whoopidee-shit! That doesn’t make you a good person. Nor does it make you a good parent. Any bachelor can work, pay bills, and buy groceries, but to actually be a parent to your child??? Spending time with your child? Yeah, a job, and paying bills doesn’t make you a father. Just saying. A hooker can do that for crying out loud. 

But yeah, fuck him. He’s proven to be quite the piece of shit. 

I need to focus on me, and picking myself back up. 

Unfortunately, my housing application is pending because the worker at the Intercommunity Health Center forgot to put on this sheet of paper that I am to give to housing that I had also applied for my daughters Birth Certificate. Anyways, now he’s on some kind of leave, and is the only one that can open my file and fax what we need. So who knows how long it will be until that worker returns. 

What else? I need to apply for yet another legal aid certificate, so far I got two. Now it’s going to be going onto three thanks to this charge. 

Tomorrow I get an ultrasound done. The ladies here are excited about it, but me? Not so much. I’m not even sure I want to go through with this pregnancy with everything that is going on. So at least tomorrow I find out exactly how far along I am, and that will determine wither or not I go through with it or not. 

I know my emotional state has an effect on the baby, and this is too much…

My mind could change after the ultrasound, and maybe I’ll give this baby both of my last names, like I did with my eldest son. 

We’ll see…

On the bright side, I’m glad and thankful for the support that I do have, and the new friendships that I’m building with women that can relate. 

I get told often how amazing my daughters are. With my eldest, I  know that’s partly because of me. With my youngest, I know it’s all because of me. I did that.  The reason they are so delightful and smart (or advanced), THAT I can be proud of. I’m doing something right. 

Anyways, my appointment is early in the morning, so I need to go to bed. Thanks for reading. Peace and love – Pooks 

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