One Thing at a Time

Hi again. 

It’s almost been a month since we left. It’s amazing how time flies. 

I’ve contacted legal aid, and talked to 2 lawyers regarding my charge. I cannot get another certificate for a lawyer until after my court appearance on August 17th and I’ve spoken with the duty council. However, every person that I talk to doesn’t think it will come down to jail time. I keep being told not to worry. Even the CAS worker that was involved for my youngest daughter says that I was just being protective of my children. Hence, she’s closing my youngest daughters file. So yeah, I  can’t really do anything for that but wait. 

I finally got the final piece in that was needed for housing. So hopefully it won’t be to much longer until we get a home. 

I’ve been told by the officers that I can go back to my ex partners address once, just to pick up things, however I will be escorted by the police. That’s fine by me, as long as my ex-partner isn’t present flapping his mouth. I don’t need his rude remarks distracting me while I try to think of (and gather) important belongings for myself and the girls. 

Honestly, I’d rather go while he’s at work to avoid any conflict period. 

Anyways, when I  do decide to do this, I  have to call the police in the morning to arrange it, and they will set it up and get it done later on the same day. 

Also, I  need to find my T5 and what not so that I can do my taxes. Since I’ve been with my ex-partner, he avoided doing his taxes for 2 years . So it’s like; no wonder we’re not getting any financial benefits. 

Anyways, the CRA advised me to get my taxes done at Life Spin. However…I need those documents to do so. I have to go back…

I’m hoping that I can bring someone other than the police to accompany me. Not only for safety reasons, but just so we can pack as much as we can as quickly as we can. Another set of arms would help. 

I’m not looking forward to it, but I know it needs to be done.  Plus my eldest daughter wrote me a list of her belongings that she wants back. 

Not only that, but there’s a painting I did of my youngest daughter, and yeah, that does not belong to my ex partner.  Nor does any of the other paintings I’ve done. 

If I do get the painting of my youngest daughter back, I  might give it to the shelter. The staff here has been so amazing, and my youngest daughter brightens up thier day. So maybe I can give them that painting as a thank you, and they’ll have something to remember us by after we go. Whenever that will be. 

What else? I  had my first ultrasound done for my current pregnancy.  The doctor said I could be having a boy. They’ll have a better idea when the baby gets bigger, possibly at 20 weeks. They also said it could be a New Years baby. 

I still have to get blood work done…then I can book my next prenatal appointment.  It may be tough with 3 children, but I’m going to try. 

A settlement conference is coming up on the 20th. That is when I for sure get custody of my daughter. Hopefully my current living circumstances does not effect that. My son will likely be placed in foster care, but as my lawyer said, it’s not the end. We still have a chance. I just need to get things settled within 6 months, and we shall see. Even though according to my eldest daughter, she reported that my eldest son wants nothing to do with his parents. I don’t blame him. I  messed up. I let a drunk move into our safe haven that was free from alcohol and drugs. He no longer felt safe in my home and I am sorry. I hope one day he can forgive me. 

That relationship was rushed. I should have known it would explode in my face. Most nose dives do. Or you don’t realize how shitty it really is until it’s too late. What snapped me out of the illusion was the impact on my eldest daughter. She was a happy child ready to take on the world, and she was becoming scared and insecure, afraid to so much as make a mistake.A child shouldn’t feel afraid to make mistakes. We all make mistakes, that is how we learn. To make a child fear that, they fear to learn anything new. That already happened to my son with his father, I  wasn’t about to let a step dad do that to another child of mine. 

My eldest daughter thanked me and said she loves me for that. I put my children first. Above men, above myself. Which is the way it should be for all parents.

Anyways, I’m writing a novel. Tomorrow the week begins…CAS visits us on Wednesday.  

One thing at a time…everything will be just fine…

Thanks for reading. Peace and love- Pooks 

But in Reality…

Hi again, 

Even though I  am super stressed out, I do my best not to show my kids what I’m really feeling. I smile, I laugh. I play like everything is okay.  But in reality, I  just want to break down and cry. But so far, I’m keeping it together, and trying to handle all this shit the best I can without them having to worry. 

However, I  am very honest with my children, and my eldest daughter is scared of losing me. She says I’m her world, and if I go to jail…she doesn’t want to go to foster care.  Especially not after I just got her back. 

The officer I talked to the other night when I was arrested doesn’t think it will come down to that, but the charge is being followed through. So I will definitely be going to court, and I might even be doing some community service.  

Hopefully that is all…my children need thier mother. Fuck! I mean for my 2 eldest children, they were apprehended from thier father due to concerns of his mental heath. As for my baby daughter, her father is an alcoholic in denial that couldn’t even take 5 minutes out of his day to spend time with her. 

But whatever, I don’t want to keep ranting about that goof.

Even though I should mention how creepy he’s been behaving by contacting my family and friends on social media, and getting his drinking buddy’s wife to try to troll me on Twitter. Nice try. I advised my family and friends to not speak of any of my business to Derek, and if they are solid, and care for the safety of my daughters and I, they will respect my request. But yeah, enough about him. Not only is he a creep, but as a blood relative put it, “he sounds petty and evil. Stay away from him.”

Speaking of social media, I  had to block really good friends of mine because they had my ex partner on his Facebook.  I also had to block a foster brother, and an Aunt due to the same reason. But whatever, my Aunt and brother were all impressed with my ex partners job title and income. Whoopidee-shit! That doesn’t make you a good person. Nor does it make you a good parent. Any bachelor can work, pay bills, and buy groceries, but to actually be a parent to your child??? Spending time with your child? Yeah, a job, and paying bills doesn’t make you a father. Just saying. A hooker can do that for crying out loud. 

But yeah, fuck him. He’s proven to be quite the piece of shit. 

I need to focus on me, and picking myself back up. 

Unfortunately, my housing application is pending because the worker at the Intercommunity Health Center forgot to put on this sheet of paper that I am to give to housing that I had also applied for my daughters Birth Certificate. Anyways, now he’s on some kind of leave, and is the only one that can open my file and fax what we need. So who knows how long it will be until that worker returns. 

What else? I need to apply for yet another legal aid certificate, so far I got two. Now it’s going to be going onto three thanks to this charge. 

Tomorrow I get an ultrasound done. The ladies here are excited about it, but me? Not so much. I’m not even sure I want to go through with this pregnancy with everything that is going on. So at least tomorrow I find out exactly how far along I am, and that will determine wither or not I go through with it or not. 

I know my emotional state has an effect on the baby, and this is too much…

My mind could change after the ultrasound, and maybe I’ll give this baby both of my last names, like I did with my eldest son. 

We’ll see…

On the bright side, I’m glad and thankful for the support that I do have, and the new friendships that I’m building with women that can relate. 

I get told often how amazing my daughters are. With my eldest, I  know that’s partly because of me. With my youngest, I know it’s all because of me. I did that.  The reason they are so delightful and smart (or advanced), THAT I can be proud of. I’m doing something right. 

Anyways, my appointment is early in the morning, so I need to go to bed. Thanks for reading. Peace and love – Pooks 

Behind Bars

So Derek Wuytenburg called the police & is trying to have me arrested 4 assault. The police are on thier way to pick me up…

Released.  But got 2 appear to court on August 17.
Derek is officially NFG ( No fuckin good) in my books. Yup. Throw your pregnant baby mama in jail. Threaten to put your step daughter in foster care.
Thanks for showing how much you really care. Not you.  But my douche of an ex.
Everyone that meets my eldest daughter adores her. They say she’s a good kid. But my current ex? No no no…he treated her like crap. He just sees her as my exes daughter. 
Sorry…not thinking out loud, But tweeting out loud. It’s just…UGHHH!! I  got a lot on my plate as is!!
Sorry, but if you were in my shoes. You’d be pissed too. Like I’m 34 yrs old. I’ve had enough of this bs.
These immature men can just fuck off and go away. Let me raise my damn kids. Don’t act like u suddenly want 2 be involved when u weren’t!!
Those were tweets, but I moved them here to The Vault. 

I’m just so tired of this drama caused by stupid immature men. But I am stupid for trusting and being with (or choosing) these types that turn out to be major douche bags. Yup.  I know how to pick them, and I am so done. 

Like seriously, what kind of dad and partner does this?? Has thier pregnant baby mama thrown in jail, and charged. Threatens to put my daughter (his step child) in foster care. I’ll tell you what kind, the kind that never gave a damn about us in the first place. 

I kinda want to apologize to his ex for the things I’ve said to her. But if he did the same to her, got drunk, instigated shit like he’s trying to start something and get hurt so he can charge us with assault. He plays the victim but he really isn’t.  He’s an instigator and a predator, and I’d advise women to stay the fuck away from that one. 

I highly doubt he mentioned to the police that he is guilty of forced confinement, and threats to harm me. 

Heck! I bet he didn’t even mention that he was intoxicated, and seriously thought he could take our baby daughter in his truck and drink and drive. Like I’d let him put our daughter in danger like that. Geez! My son was right when he called him an idiot. I should have listened to my eldest children about him. 

So yeah, I was arrested last night for assault. And I was in a cell until midnight. I got to speak to a lawyer, and she advised me to remain silent. So I did. And I was taken back to the shelter afterward. 

The whole time I cried, thinking about my daughter’s at the shelter, whom were left in the care of another woman at the shelter. 

My family is already going through so much, and he’s just adding more to it. He seriously doesn’t give a shit.

I just keep thinking; wow. Did I ever really fuck up getting with him. He’s just another selfish jackass on a mission to ruin my life. Like I’m not going through enough as is. So yeah, he’s a goof in my mind. I hope his family disowns that loser when the truth shines through. Heck, if I were them, and I found out what he did to his baby mama, I wouldn’t say I was related. He’s a disgrace to thier name. 

But whatever. That’s just my opinion. I’m angry. And right as of this moment, I fuckin hate him.

Considering the amount of stress I’ve been under lately, I’m surprised I haven’t miscarried. Geez! None of this can be good for the baby in my womb. But not like he cares. Like I said, he only cares about himself, and he’s just trying to cover his own ass. 

Heck, he waited two weeks to charge me with this shit. Waiting til he’s sober and looks sober eh? Wow.

Anyways, part of the conditions I was given was to stay away from Derek and his home. Which is fine. I don’t want to even look at that ugly ass scum bag. He’s so skinny, he looks like he’s a freakin crackhead. For all I know he probably is. And even though he accuses me of cheating, he’s probably the one that is guilty of it. He’s pegging his own insecurities on me. 

However, I  can go to the address to pick up my things with a police escort. So at least I can get some of my things back. 

I’ve gone through so many emotions lately. I’m angry, sad, I feel betrayed. I am just in complete shock and disbelief that he’s sinking to the lowest of lows of levels. I’m disappointed in myself for making such a poor choice in a partner again. 

I don’t think I’ll ever give another man a chance. That’s it. I can’t do this anymore. Dealing with this immature shit. I’m getting to old for this bullshit. Ya know? Fuck off! You want to create your own drama, do it elsewhere. I got children to raise. 

Go “live” all you want! I’m not stopping you, and personally I don’t give a fuck anymore. 

Anyways, there’s so much going on, I wish I could scream from the top of my lungs.

I’ll get through this somehow. So far, thanks to all the people and organizations for thier support during these tough times. 

Peace and love – Pooks 

Pooks Needs You

Hi again.
Today I got the last bit I needed to get for housing. Which was ID, so thanks to the Intercommunity Health Centre in London, Ontario for helping me out with that.

So in the mean time, I wrote a list of things I’ll need for my new place. If you can help, that would be greatly appreciated.

For those that haven’t been following my blog, I am a mom of 3, and expecting another child. I am pregnant. I just recently left a toxic relationship and am currently trying to start over from scratch. Everything I owned got left behind, minus a change of clothes.
I am staying at a shelter with my two daughters, my son is at Vanier.
I just recently got custody of my eldest daughter, and have been working on getting custody of my son. And now, I will have to open a new case regarding my baby daughter.

Anyways, my list…

– Queen Size Mattress, boxspring, and bed frame
– 2 single beds and mattresses

– Crib and mattress

 -Toddler bed

– bassinet

– Kitchen table and chairs

– couch

– 5 dressers

– microwave

– coffee table

– curtains and curtain rods

– shower curtain
– Bed sheets, blankets and pillowcases (queen size, single, and crib)

– pillows
– pots and pans

– plates and bowls
– utensils

– cups, glasses, mugs
– coffee machine

– vacuum
– broom

– mop and bucket
– shovel

– push mower
– maternity clothes (Size L)

– women’s clothes (size M-L, 13+)
– girls clothes size 12-14

– Men’s clothes (size L)
– Girls clothes (size 18month-2T)

– Gender Neutral NB – 6 month clothes
– Excersaucer or Jumper

– Bouncey chair
– Baby Carrier

– Infant Car Seat

– Double Stroller 

– Tummy Time mat

– Rocking chair
– Dish cloths and Towels
– Bath Towels

– Baby Battles
– Metal Strainer (I use for sterilizing)

– Blender ( to make my own baby food)
– Electric Kettle

– Baby bottles and Sippy Cups
EXTRAS
– Books
– TV
– DVD Player
– DVDS – Children movies
– Home Décor

If you have any of those items that you would be willing to donate, you’re awesome! And miigwech! E-mail: pshannon@hotmail.ca

Note: You must live in London, ON, or the surrounding area to donate items

Another way to help our family start over is to donate financially, if you can. A little goes a long ways, and maybe I’ll be able to purchase some of the items listed above.

Thanks for reading, your help would mean a lot.

Peace and Love – Pooks

“Noone is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another”

– Charles Dickens

Begin to Climb

2 weeks after we left…

Things are slowly getting lined up. I applied for housing. I’m just missing my birth certificate and my baby daughters.  That’s okay, we figured out a way to get them replaced. It might take awhile to receive them, but at least they’ll be replaced. 

The joys of starting over…

Just thinking about all the things I left behind. A collection of stuff that friends gave me over the years. Yup, all left behind at my now ex-partners. 

At least I know better now to walk away, thanks to my experience with a prior ex. I mean, if someone is going to accuse you of cheating, don’t waste your time trying to prove them otherwise. People are going to believe what they believe, and if they don’t believe you, don’t waste your time trying to change thier opinion. That will just lead to a road of pain that isn’t worth the time and effort. Someone that truly loves you, wouldn’t doubt you and would trust you. So yeah, don’t even bother with that shit. Walk away. 

I just feel like that needs to be said. But yeah, on with my day. 

Got a busy week ahead. Appointments, and whatnot. 

I may be temporarily homeless, but I believe we’ll get a home soon enough. We (my daughters and I) just need to be patient. Things will be fine, just give it time. 

In the meantime, just get everything I need to get done, done. 

Anyways, on with my day. Thanks for reading. Peace and love- Pooks 

Just Adds More Shit

More thoughts…

Such as…when it comes to my childrens father’s… it doesn’t matter if you have a steady job or not. An ass can come in many forms. A job is just a job. I mean, with both father’s, one is a welfare bum, and he’s still an ass. My recent ex-partner, he has a steady job, good job title, and he’s still an ass. 

I don’t know what or why it is that men feel they have to act like complete assholes in order to be masculine or “manly”. That’s not masculine, that just makes you a douche. FYI no woman likes that shit, let alone believes in that. It must be an immaturity thing. Shit they learned in thier adolescents, and just think that’s the way it is. Nope! Not to mention, it’s a major turn off. So if you want to be alone all your life, keep that shit up. 

Don’t matter. Both lost me for good. 

I just don’t get why I keep ending up with this type of men. Why do I choose this shit for myself? What is it about me that attracts this bullshit to me. Just one mistake after another after another. You’d think I’d learn. And I thought I  did…but apparently not. Just going through similar shit all over again. Perhaps deep in my subconscious, I must believe I deserve the shittiest shit imaginable. But why? 

I could think and analyze that a million times and still have no answer. 

It’s just…I had enough shit on my plate as is with my eldest children’s father, than my now ex partner comes along and doesn’t help, just adds more shit. Yup.  Thank you soooo much! 

So yeah, I  feel like I hit rock bottom again, thanks to a man. But yeah, the only way is up, right? Well…minus the bullshit obstacles they toss my way. For example, my now ex partner won’t give the CAS worker our baby daughters birth certificate.  Which is something I need to apply for housing. Fuck I hate men so much right now. Especially controlling douche bags.  Fuck you.  They’re fuckin useless. They just make things more complicated than they need to be. 

Not that I’ll let my daughter live with a drunk.  I mean, if he wants access, start going to AA!

Anyways, my baby got her 15 month shots today, and she didn’t even react or cry. Such a tough cookie. 

Tomorrow I got more running around to do. Trying to line things up. One day at a time. Breathe…

Thank you for reading. Peace and love! – Pooks 

Never Going Back (part 2)

Isolation. To speak more on that…it’s like after all this shit. I actually just want a supportive community. Something or people there for my kids. A support system, which can’t be accomplished when isolated. 

As for the alcohol, I feel like I have been lied to. My now ex-partner, he said he’d quit cold turkey for his baby and never did. Stupid me for believing that bullshit. 

He says he just wants to “live” a little when it comes to alcohol. Well, now he can “live” all he wants without the kids and I.  

Which is another thing. I kept feeling like the kids and I were a burden on his life. He’d get all low on himself driving past big homes, and ask; “Where did I go wrong?” 

Your with an artist. An artist isn’t the easiest career choice, but I believe one day, it will pull through.  However, he’d doubt, and always say I need to get a part time job. A real job. So yeah, not really supportive of my dreams and goals, just his own. It’s hard to be inspired and motivated with someone that doesn’t believe in you. 

I’ve mentioned before that it drove me absolutely nuts having to be completely financially dependant on him. He’s not exactly financially responsible.  For months he’d ignore the bills. So they just added up so much that I had to reach out to the Stability Bank.  

He neglected the debt that would release our baby bonus. Getting the baby bonus back would have helped out big time.  But no no no, let’s buy beer instead. 

Anyways, after being a week away from him, my eldest daughters confidence has been improving. 

I can’t apologize enough to my eldest children. They didn’t deserve to be hurt that way by my ex partner talking shit about thier father as a negative comparison to himself just to biggy himself up. It’s no wonder my eldest children don’t like him. They just probably see him as an arrogant idiot.  

However, I  am trying to make it right. I got my children out of a negative environment, and hopefully will start over and build a new safe haven for my children.  

I was finally able to see my doctor regarding this current pregnancy.  Without a phone I couldn’t book an appointment.  And now, appointments are scheduled, and things are getting done. 

I have support, and even though it seems like I took a huge step backwards.  I  have hope that I am about to be launched forward to something amazing. 

Anyways, that’s two blog posts in one day. Oh well. As long as it’s not all trapped in my head. Mentally, I  needed this. Kinda like taking out the trash. 

Thanks for reading. Peace and love- Pooks