Just Adds More Shit

More thoughts…

Such as…when it comes to my childrens father’s… it doesn’t matter if you have a steady job or not. An ass can come in many forms. A job is just a job. I mean, with both father’s, one is a welfare bum, and he’s still an ass. My recent ex-partner, he has a steady job, good job title, and he’s still an ass. 

I don’t know what or why it is that men feel they have to act like complete assholes in order to be masculine or “manly”. That’s not masculine, that just makes you a douche. FYI no woman likes that shit, let alone believes in that. It must be an immaturity thing. Shit they learned in thier adolescents, and just think that’s the way it is. Nope! Not to mention, it’s a major turn off. So if you want to be alone all your life, keep that shit up. 

Don’t matter. Both lost me for good. 

I just don’t get why I keep ending up with this type of men. Why do I choose this shit for myself? What is it about me that attracts this bullshit to me. Just one mistake after another after another. You’d think I’d learn. And I thought I  did…but apparently not. Just going through similar shit all over again. Perhaps deep in my subconscious, I must believe I deserve the shittiest shit imaginable. But why? 

I could think and analyze that a million times and still have no answer. 

It’s just…I had enough shit on my plate as is with my eldest children’s father, than my now ex partner comes along and doesn’t help, just adds more shit. Yup.  Thank you soooo much! 

So yeah, I  feel like I hit rock bottom again, thanks to a man. But yeah, the only way is up, right? Well…minus the bullshit obstacles they toss my way. For example, my now ex partner won’t give the CAS worker our baby daughters birth certificate.  Which is something I need to apply for housing. Fuck I hate men so much right now. Especially controlling douche bags.  Fuck you.  They’re fuckin useless. They just make things more complicated than they need to be. 

Not that I’ll let my daughter live with a drunk.  I mean, if he wants access, start going to AA!

Anyways, my baby got her 15 month shots today, and she didn’t even react or cry. Such a tough cookie. 

Tomorrow I got more running around to do. Trying to line things up. One day at a time. Breathe…

Thank you for reading. Peace and love! – Pooks 

Never Going Back (part 2)

Isolation. To speak more on that…it’s like after all this shit. I actually just want a supportive community. Something or people there for my kids. A support system, which can’t be accomplished when isolated. 

As for the alcohol, I feel like I have been lied to. My now ex-partner, he said he’d quit cold turkey for his baby and never did. Stupid me for believing that bullshit. 

He says he just wants to “live” a little when it comes to alcohol. Well, now he can “live” all he wants without the kids and I.  

Which is another thing. I kept feeling like the kids and I were a burden on his life. He’d get all low on himself driving past big homes, and ask; “Where did I go wrong?” 

Your with an artist. An artist isn’t the easiest career choice, but I believe one day, it will pull through.  However, he’d doubt, and always say I need to get a part time job. A real job. So yeah, not really supportive of my dreams and goals, just his own. It’s hard to be inspired and motivated with someone that doesn’t believe in you. 

I’ve mentioned before that it drove me absolutely nuts having to be completely financially dependant on him. He’s not exactly financially responsible.  For months he’d ignore the bills. So they just added up so much that I had to reach out to the Stability Bank.  

He neglected the debt that would release our baby bonus. Getting the baby bonus back would have helped out big time.  But no no no, let’s buy beer instead. 

Anyways, after being a week away from him, my eldest daughters confidence has been improving. 

I can’t apologize enough to my eldest children. They didn’t deserve to be hurt that way by my ex partner talking shit about thier father as a negative comparison to himself just to biggy himself up. It’s no wonder my eldest children don’t like him. They just probably see him as an arrogant idiot.  

However, I  am trying to make it right. I got my children out of a negative environment, and hopefully will start over and build a new safe haven for my children.  

I was finally able to see my doctor regarding this current pregnancy.  Without a phone I couldn’t book an appointment.  And now, appointments are scheduled, and things are getting done. 

I have support, and even though it seems like I took a huge step backwards.  I  have hope that I am about to be launched forward to something amazing. 

Anyways, that’s two blog posts in one day. Oh well. As long as it’s not all trapped in my head. Mentally, I  needed this. Kinda like taking out the trash. 

Thanks for reading. Peace and love- Pooks 

Never Going Back

Well…I didn’t think I’ve ever blog again. But here I am. 

I left my now ex-partner.  Perhaps I just don’t or can’t envision alcohol being a regular thing in my family life. 

To make it short, we fought. But it’s like each time we do, it gets worse. This time I feel I was pushed to my limit, I actually hit him on the side the head with a small object. Note, he was blocking the door, and it was moments after he accused me of cheating and saying that I’m not a big loss. 

Just the fact he accused me of cheating, when I’m the one with the children 24/7, with no breaks. No phone, no Internet connection. Isolated. Yet he has his phone always topped up with minutes and data. Yet he’s the one who had the picture of a naked ex on his cell phone around Christmas.  Yet he communicates with exes on Facebook after saying he blocked his last ex. They still had contact. Yeah. But I’m the one cheating??? You’re fuckin stupid. 

What else? The threats pretty much finalized my decision to pack up and leave with the children.  Not only did he scare me, but his stupid drunken ass scared the girls. 

But yeah, the threats.

“Do you want me to beat you like your ex?!” He said that numerous of times. 

Since I whacked him upside the head, he threatened to take our baby daughter, put my eldest daughter in foster care, and have me thrown in jail. 

Way to end the relationship! Bravo jackass.  Anyways, it’s pretty much over. I mean there is no point trying to salvage anything when he obviously made it clear that he does not trust me, ahem, accusing ME of cheating. So yeah, a relationship without trust, isn’t a relationship at all. 

Plus, these fantasies of going off grid.  It’s more of his dream.  I don’t really think I want to be isolated with him, an alcoholic in denial. 

I was getting super annoyed with the drinking. I mean, he needs it when he’s stressed. We can’t have a good family outing without it. That’s pretty pathetic if you need beer to have a good time. I tried to invite some friends over for a music and art night, and he had to turn it into an event that includes…you guessed it, alcohol. My friends don’t need alcohol, you know, we can have a blast with just coffee and art. 

Months ago, when we fought about alcohol. It’s always about alcohol.  I said he should find somewhere else to stay. But he said since “he pays the rent”, it was the girls and I that had to find another place to stay for the night.  Pretty stupid huh?

As for the way he treated my eldest children. It’s like he didn’t accept them. With flat out bluntness, he treated them like shit. I mean, he’d nag and nag at my eldest daughter to the point she was in tears over tiny measly pointless shit! Shit that doesn’t deserve a huge ass lecture. Such as not grabbing a chair to put a dish away. Wow. It’s no wonder my son stopped visiting! 

He supposedly claims that he treats his little brother and sister the same way. I doubt it. For the 2 years I’ve been with him, I’ve never seen him treat his siblings as poorly as he has my children. 

Not only that, but I’ve asked him so many times to stop bringing up my children’s father during these lectures that he gives my children. But does he listen? No. It’s like he deliberately does so to “get even”, to hurt my children emotionally. Excuse me, but that is abuse. I even showed him the email we got from CAS requesting that that be stopped. What does he do??? HE CONTINUES TO DO IT!!! 

So yeah, it’s been a week since I left him, and I stand firm in my decision. I  AM thinking about whats best for the kids, and he’s not it. 

I’m working on getting my own address.  Fuck men. I’m done. 

Yeah, I am pregnant. But I have mostly been parenting on my own anyways. He was always drinking. In the backyard having fires, at a friends, he’ll leave to go fishing or hunting, or he’d hideout in the basement. He was hardly involved.  So yeah, if I was parenting on my own anyways, he might as well just pay child support and I will do this on my own. 

I am never going back. Pooks deserves better than that shit. 

Thanks for reading. Peace and love! – Pooks 

Final Notice

I don’t think people are taking me seriously when I  say I need your donations to keep this going. I mean my internet is on the brink of being disconnected.  

I thought I  had loyal readers, that would understand. But I  guess not. 

We don’t get baby bonus, therefore our family struggles like fuck because it’s all on my man’s shoulders. I  am trying to help him by turning this passion of writing into a job. But I need my readers to donate, not just sit there like retards pressing the like button. 

Yes, I  am disappointed in you! You, the one reading this. The nosey fuck that has been following my journey, but when it comes down to times where I need your help to keep this going, you can’t donate a dime!! Youre nowhere to be fuckin seen. 

That just shows me how much you value me and my work. You don’t.Just like everyone else in this twisted society, you think the only job I should have is voluntarily.  A job where I don’t get any income. Why? What makes you more special than I? 

  We’re not going to be getting baby bonus until I start paying my student loan of $7000 off. I don’t have a job. I was hoping to turn this into it. With baby bonus I would cover hydro and Internet.  Well, now those bills are piling. AND I  can’t put any money into my account without it disappearing towards N.S.F fees. Which is now over $200. 

I already mentioned that my partner and I  combined are $10,200 in debt. But since his debt to E.I doesn’t qualify for any financial aid from any debt consultant …we’re under the amount eligible to get assistance.  

Do you have any idea how stressful and frustrating this is not being able to help my partner with this?? Even though I  am trying my damn best, society just keeps slamming the door in my face.  

I  need your help!! 

If I could access the Internet on my lap top, I would be able to make it super simple for you by adding my donate button to this blog post so that it’s right in front of your stupid face. But the Internet won’t connect through my lap top, only my mobile phone. So you will just have to make an effort to find my PayPal Donate button on my WordPress site. Sorry for you lazy people that prefer everything be served to you.

I know.  Why would you want to donate after I have been so rude to you? Well I  am stressed. I am frustrated. I am disappointed in the regulars that snoop on my blog posts and can’t even donate. If you were in my position, you would be pissed as well. And Your faith in humanity will take a serious nose dive. 

If you actually give a fuck.  Please donate. 

The Debt

NSLC- $7000

Money Mart – $1500

E.I- $1700

Our Bills

N.S.F fees-  $285.66

Wyse  (water) – $500.00

Hydro- $391.o3

Internet- $58.82

Rent- $1300

It drives me nuts that my partner has control of all the finances right now. So I don’t know exactly where all the money is going. He said he was buying tools off his boss, investing in the future. But yeah, it sucks not being able to stick to my end of the deal. I’m to pay for the hydro and Internet.  

I know some smart asses will say “then get a job!” I have an 11 month old to take care of, and we certainly can’t afford a babysitter or daycare at this point. So any job that I could possibly do, has to be from home! 

Excuse me for thinking I could turn a passion into employment.  That was stupid of me. Stupid native. What the fuck were you thinking? Right? 

Whatever. It feels hopeless. If you help you help.  If you don’t, I  quit blogging and make that transition from blogger to author.  No more free for alls. 

Fuck I hate people. 

– Pooks

Notice to Readers

 

⚠⚠⚠Want to keep Pooks82 #blogging ? It’s simple. Find the PayPal Donate button on her WordPress site & leave a donation!

I won’t post a thing in the mean time. It’s not like before, where I just had myself to fend for. I have dependants in my care now.

If it comes down to it, and no one donates. I have no issue shutting this all down. You can pay for  my work in book format instead, and it won’t be as easy and fast to access as a blog.

Peace and love! – Pooks

The Stress

Debt. Money. Slavery

Those words seem to be in my head lately. 

My partner and I jotted down how much debt we owe combined, and it comes to $10,200. 

It does suck that I cannot help him with this burden.  I  tried Scentsy, but no one would buy the freakin shit. I tried surveying, but I need 1000 points just to make $10. I’m not even close. 

So I  try to sell some art. Only sold 2 pieces lately and made $175. It went to bills, and baby needs. 

Slavery. I  should take it as a compliment that no one in this city hires me. It means I am unfit to be a slave like everyone else. But when I try to be this “slave”, I’m given a false illusion that I am, yet no one takes interest in whatever I may be selling. So that door eventually closes. 

I try to think of creative ways to make an income, I add a donate button to this blog, but that just gets ignored. I put together another book, and that isn’t even taking off. 

So it gets frustrating. Ya know? People might as well be saying that my work or anything I do is worthless. At least that’s how it starts to feel like after awhile. 

According to the CRA, we won’t be receiving any of the baby bonus until I can start paying off my student loan. I already mentioned how much we struggle without the baby bonus. So yeah. How is am I supposed to pay that without a job? I am running out of ideas. 

That part of life, the debt, it’s eating away at my mind. However, I am grateful that it is not something my partner and fight over. Seen enough of that growing up. 

Money is a stupid illusion to stress over anyways. Why we let a small number of people control it beats me! What makes them so special? Because they are the “hierarchy “, the burgousie? If they really want to separate themselves from everyone else, then let them. YOU ARE NOT ONE OF US! So why should we follow? Or abide by thier rules? Thier just people. Fertilizer for the earth like everyone else. Yet we slave away for them, even though we have never met these people, nor ever will. 

But whatever, don’t listen to me, I’m just a commoner losing her bloody mind about money and debt. Something imaginary that only the Royal Bank controls.They can magically turn thin air into millions.  That’s all it really is…thin air. The physical substance of money isn’t enough for the billions of people. So there will always be the poor, the suffering…while these wealthy shits make however much money they desire out of thin air!! How convenient! 

I hate money.  I hate that I  have to stress over it, and worry for my families well-being  because of it .  Money is a disease that I despise. 

But until we tell the Capitalists to go fuck themselves, we are stuck in this shitty mess of a system where majority suffer, and few benefit.  That’s not going to happen because everyone is too chicken shit. Let the media strike fear into your minds. It’s only controlled by THEM. 

But whatever, I’m  a ranting mom. Maybe I just have P.M.S. 

But for some fucked up reason, we follow this stupid system created by an old white MAN!! It’s  2017 for crying out loud, don’t you think it’s time for these old farts to be thrown off thier high horses? 

Who gives a shit about blood lines, family lineage, or whatever the fuck. People are people. Blood is blood. You and I are no different in my book. 

Debt, money, in the end it only benefits them.  

So yeah, feeling the pressure. Feeling the stress and anxiety that is caused by this nonsense. You can say I’m mentally ill, but then you would have to say everyone is. At least the majority of the people feel this stressful pressure.

Will the people ever stray from this shit? Will we look towards renewable energy, and move away from gas and oil?

Some will. Some have already started. Hence why you hear about the government taking homes away from people living off grid. More need to follow suit, because there is more of us, then there is of them. 

Thanks for reading my stressful rant. I needed to vent. 

This money shit is fuckin bullshit. Ya know? Just wondering what the hell am I going to do. What can I  create or try next? 

My 8 year old daughter is more successful than I am when it comes to employment in this city. She’ll make from $30 – $90 / month. Even though I  usually am the one doing majority of the work for her. At least she’s off to a good start. Something I didn’t have up north.

Thinking about it, if I sell paintings for $125 each, I would have to make and sell about 57 paintings just to cover my student loan. If only it were that easy. Not all paintings are gaurunteed to sell. I mean, I tried to sell old ones, and only 1 sold. Not to mention how much time it takes me to finish one. I wish I could be like some artists out there and just whip something up in one day. But my work isn’t like that. 

Maybe I  should go on a blogging strike. If you want me back…leave a donation. Until then, I’m out of here and going to try to figure something out so my partner doesn’t have all this weight on his shoulders.

Time to stop taking my work for granted. I  got bills and debts to pay, and a family to feed too. 

It is March now. My baby turns 1, and next month I go to court. Will Pooks get her son back???….

Ooh… what a way to get left hanging. 

Peace and Love – Pooks 

  The illusion is reality. The only contradiction is the observer. 

– Lionel Suggs

Second Book Published!

Good news! I  got my second book published!

This one is different than my first. It is a photography book. A large collection of photos that I  have taken here in London, Ontario over the years. 

After hours and hours of editing it, I finally got it done! Yaaay!

I know you may think $115 is pricey, but here’s the thing: I will only get $23 off each sale, Lulu gets the rest for printing and publishing. It makes sense when you think about it. 

Anyways, if you do purchase my new book (My Gift to London, ON), not only are you freakin awesome, but you are supporting an artist.  Local or not. 

Anyways, I  hope everyone likes the finished product.  I  lost some sleep over this project, but I think it was totally worth the time and effort. 

“My Gift to London, ON ” by Pooks is available online on Lulu’s website. Along with my first book that is still available for grabs “Random Thoughts of an Alien Goddess”. 

Enjoy, and thanks so much for your support! Peace and love! – Pooks 

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/pooks82

“When the awareness of what is achievable brushes your life, your journey has begun.”- Lorii Myers